Long Car Rides and Bad Dreams

Both tend to leave me rather discombobulated.

Guilt is a strange creature. It manifests itself subtly sometimes (a slight nagging in my brain that M cleaned the kitty litter again with no complaints), but for the most part I realize I'm feeling guilty about something when it crashes in on my subconscious. I've been consumed lately by dreams that don't make any sense at all, yet don't seem all that extraordinary somehow. I'm surrounded by bizarre spectacles--drag shows that I'm supposed to be in charge of but have no control over--journeys through the jungle in which I have some sort of mission but keep getting distracted by family and friends attempting to harm me. How do I know that it's guilt and not just random neuron firings? In the dreams (and upon waking) I don't blame anyone but myself for what has just happened. I know in my gut that I've brought any misfortune I encounter upon myself.

There are many instances in which I feel like I've gotten more than I deserve. My marriage is something I'm constantly grateful for and surprised by--my husband is better and kinder to me than I ever thought anyone would be. I think past mistakes and shortcomings still haunt me, and I still have trouble sometimes realizing that it's okay to forgive myself; it's okay to enjoy the beautiful life that I have in front of me. Do I have some sort of instinct to self-sabotage?

Also, I read Twilight and really liked it.

You get what you ask for...

Ever since June 28th, I've been missing my sister badly. I missed the laughter, the impromptu visits, the bickering--all of it. I was giving her the space I felt she needed, and doing my best to be patient. I invited her over again this weekend, thinking that she wouldn't accept unless she was ready to see me. She replied that she'd be over soon, and the silly hope balloon in my chest inflated and started floating around. Maybe things would be alright, maybe we were going to make it past this whole thing with just a few bumps and bruises, maybe maybe maybe...

She was only over for a couple of hours before she referred to me as a "cheating whore of a wife." Guess she wasn't ready after all.

Control

I'm struggling today. I'm struggling with the desire to control and shape the way people see me, the way they react to me. I want to be certain things to certain people and while my brain knows that it's fruitless, my compulsion to please people is screaming at me to FIX THINGS. My paranoia and my neuroses are straining at my nerves to find a way to make some people accept me, make others appreciate me, and get a handle on what it will take for them to see me how I want them to see me.

I need to let go, I need to throw my hands up and say, "Oh well." L can dislike me and be condescending, and A can be continually disappointed and angry, but I have NO CONTROL over that. All I can do is make the right choices for today and continue to try to be content with what and who I am, regardless of the perceptions of others.

Not like that makes it much easier.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Higher Power

I was baptized Catholic. I guess that means that my "higher power" should be the God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost--the whole Catholic Trinity deal. Somewhere along the way I decided it was smarter to be an atheist--how could I honestly support a religious organization with as much "troubling" history as the Catholic church? Truthfully, though, as much as I intellectually wanted to distance myself from religion, my gut, my heart, my intuition--whatever you want to call it--was shouting otherwise. A part of me firmly believes, no matter how much evidence to the contrary, that there is something out there. There is something bigger and stronger and wiser than me that guides my days and provides insight if I'll willing to pay attention. Is that something God? I don't know. I don't necessarily think it needs a word or a firm definition as long as it works for me. And when I manage to unclutter my head and quiet my thinking, it DOES work for me. Inspiration can be found in a seemingly random song, the meow of a disgruntled cat, or the tearful ramblings of another drunk. To me, there is always guidance available if I make myself willing to listen.

What I've learned

What I've learned lately is to never be TOO sure of yourself. Never be SO convinced of your own security that you become blind to the dangers around you and your susceptibility to them.

"While you were coasting and becoming complacent, your disease was over there in the corner doing pushups, lifting weights, just waiting for a chance to jump you again."