Both tend to leave me rather discombobulated.
Guilt is a strange creature. It manifests itself subtly sometimes (a slight nagging in my brain that M cleaned the kitty litter again with no complaints), but for the most part I realize I'm feeling guilty about something when it crashes in on my subconscious. I've been consumed lately by dreams that don't make any sense at all, yet don't seem all that extraordinary somehow. I'm surrounded by bizarre spectacles--drag shows that I'm supposed to be in charge of but have no control over--journeys through the jungle in which I have some sort of mission but keep getting distracted by family and friends attempting to harm me. How do I know that it's guilt and not just random neuron firings? In the dreams (and upon waking) I don't blame anyone but myself for what has just happened. I know in my gut that I've brought any misfortune I encounter upon myself.
There are many instances in which I feel like I've gotten more than I deserve. My marriage is something I'm constantly grateful for and surprised by--my husband is better and kinder to me than I ever thought anyone would be. I think past mistakes and shortcomings still haunt me, and I still have trouble sometimes realizing that it's okay to forgive myself; it's okay to enjoy the beautiful life that I have in front of me. Do I have some sort of instinct to self-sabotage?
Also, I read Twilight and really liked it.
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if there are devils in this world, i'd like to think they masks themselves as the human tendency to self-sabotage. don't consider it a personal flaw for it's not an individual trait. the strongest of us is weak from time to time and the weakest of us is on occasion strong. absolutes get kicked in the teeth with surprising frequency. entropy and order have a house down on the beach and they scream and throw dishes at each other when they've had too much to drink after spending hours baking in the sun. reason farts on chaos's cat. and i'd tell you that the world is your oyster, but oysters are gross. so have a funnel cake instead.
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